Start “Shoulding” on Yourself and Be Accountable

Accountability: anything or anyone that helps you gain mental leverage to achieve the results you desire. —The Accountability Stop

“I should go in,” I thought.

I didn’t really want to go in. It was a bar. I’m a shy and introverted guy. It was a straight bar. I’m gay. I don’t drink much. I didn’t belong there.

I wanted to go in because local symphony musicians were going to play in a casual setting. I want to have new experiences in my city. I had it on my schedule. I promised my accountability buddy I would do it. I was still thinking I could pass by as I reached the door …

I added a footnote to a recent post saying: 

Personally, I’m tired of the “stop shoulding” narrative. Some things in life “should” be done. 

Craig Stevenson

A search for “start shoulding yourself” pulls up hundreds of links on how to “stop shoulding yourself.” Am I the first outlier to say we’re overreacting to a word?

Let’s clear up possible misconceptions first:

• I’m NOT saying to “should” ourselves regarding things we can’t change.
• I’m NOT saying to “should” ourselves in self-loathing regarding anything about our person or our personal growth.
• I’m NOT saying to “should” ourselves about everything and create complete overwhelm in our lives.

“Shoulding” can be bad. I agree. However:

• Maybe you have a classic car you started to rebuild in the driveway. 
• Maybe you have a craft project filling your dining table since January. 
• Maybe you have a verse novel half-written on your computer. 

And you think “I should finish that.”

Sometimes we bite off more than we can chew. Sometimes what we thought would be easy to finish became complicated in the middle. Sometimes we wonder if giving up is the easiest way.

As always in life, we have priorities. Urgent matters of daily life can overwhelm us and sap our energy. 

Sometimes the projects lose their importance. The only motivation left to finish them is their unfinished state and guilt. If that’s the case, we should by all means feel free to purge the projects from our lives and free ourselves from “shoulding.”

On the other hand, if our projects still have importance to us, then “shoulding” on ourselves is fine. A litany of “shoulds” accomplishes nothing, though. That’s where accountability makes all the difference. The word “should,” by itself, has been stripped of its power by overuse. Real mental leverage can be gained by using one of the techniques we’ve discussed—like scheduling time for your project, making your project a gift, or working with an accountability buddy.

… when I got to the door at the bar the other night I forced myself to walk in. I sat down and had a drink. Musicians from the symphony played. The bar was surprisingly packed with an eclectic group of people. I even chatted with the event organizer. I “shoulded” myself and had a fun time as a result. I plan to go back.

”Shoulding” on ourselves is unpopular because it adds to the overwhelm of our lives. However, coupled with accountability techniques to make real progress, “should” can give us a sense of accomplishment to combat the overwhelm and to take control of our lives.

What’s Your Account?

Am I all wet? Does everyone else think “should” is a bad word in the twenty-first century?