When Personal Accountability Meets Your Boyfriend

Accountability: anything or anyone that helps us gain mental leverage to achieve the results we desire. —The Accountability Stop

Here’s TMI for you: I started dating someone.

Normally I would say it’s none of anyone’s business online. I don’t live my relationships on social media. I don’t text pictures of us to our friends. I think a relationship should be private if it’s ever going to have a chance to grow into something more. 

But can a relationship conflict with accountability? Relationships take time. They take effort. They take mental energy. They take all the things we use for our projects and our accountability. What happens when personal accountability meets our boyfriend?

We might be the kind of person who sees their relationships as part of their “accountability life.” Relationships and relationship goals are important, and so they are prioritized along with other projects. Accountability priorities shift to the relationship.

On the other hand, we might be the kind of person who thinks of relationships as support for our personal projects rather than projects in themselves. That’s the boat I’m in. We expect relationships, friendships, and family to be there when we want them, but out of our way when we are working on projects. We want control over our time. We don’t want to be blown around by the social winds and whims of others.

So how are we (how am I) going to survive this threat to productivity?

Don’t See a Relationship as a Threat

We talked recently about how our personal relationships may not be the best place to find accountability. But they are a place to find support. Our friends, families and significant others usually want us to succeed. They aren’t intending to prevent us from doing our work. They just want to spend quality time with us. We shouldn’t assume that our relationships are at odds with our projects and goals. So don’t think of them that way!

Be More Intentional

As always, we can’t escape the importance of time. When dating, let’s not just think about our time for projects and work. Let’s think about time for our relationships. Some of us can do this more easily than others. It might seem odd to schedule our time with our parents. Even odder with a significant other. But if we want to make progress in our work without sacrificing relationships, then we need to assign time to the things that are important to us.

Another method is more organic. We can look at creating a routine with people in our lives so we set up an expectation for both them and us that we’ll see them at certain times. Make our project times part of our routine.

Beware of Low Quality Time

We can be as intentional as we want about scheduling our “together” time, but we also spend lots of time on our phones. The double dopamine hit of a text message that’s from our significant other can fuel long conversations that are just for fun. But they’re also a low quality interaction. Be aware of these conversations and when they happen. Do we need to put some boundaries on them? Sometimes we may need to say something like, “I have some things to do, can’t wait to pick this up later!” Or we might make it clear our responses may be delayed.

We can even use the need for constant contact to our productive advantage. Say we have a blog post to write that can be broken up into small chunks of time. Use the pomodoro technique, set a timer for ten minutes and think, “I can’t respond to that text until I write for ten minutes.” Or maybe, “I can’t respond to that text until I write the next bullet point.” 

Can We Cowork?

One way to merge our relationship with our productivity may be to cowork together. Can we be in the same space—an office, a dining table, a coffee shop or a porch—and work on our projects separately while still being in each other’s company? It might not sound particularly romantic. But consider other activities couples do that are similar: sitting next to each other on a beach reading separate books or scrolling on cell phones. Taking a road trip and listening to music. Watching TV together (while one is actually reading something unrelated). Couples spend a lot of time together with minimal interaction. So why not use that kind of time for project work? 

Enjoy Yourself

More than anything, however, enjoy your relationships! Humans are social because it’s fun. We shouldn’t stress about our personal accountability projects when we’re dating—especially at the beginning when everything is an exhilarating ride and our regular routine is out the window. Trust that things will settle down and we’ll get to return to our goals and projects.

What’s Your Account?

Have you reconciled a relationship with personal accountability? Did you use any particular techniques to help?